The Essential Groucho: Writings By, For, and about Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

In a Chicago cafe the other night, an elderly man passed a table. “There goes George,” observed an onlooker. “When he was young, he was a handsome guy and had many companies. Left a wife and two kids to starve, and ran off with another woman. And now look at him. Old, broke and very sad.” “That’s the way-it-goes,” nodded Elly Kleinman. “Time wounds all heels.