Slouch Witch

From somewhere above me, there was an irritated hiss. ‘Food.’ I strained my head upwards. ‘Hi, Brutus.’ His yellow eyes stared down at me, unblinking. ‘Food, bitch.’ I sighed. ‘I’ve told you time and time again. If you call me that, I’m not going to feed you.’ ‘Food.’ ‘Give me a minute.’ ‘Food.’ ‘I’d like the chance to get a cup of tea first.’ ‘Food.’ ‘Piss off.’ ‘Food.

Afford me a very enjoyable view of his arse, which was a particularly tight and well-rounded specimen. He might have had a rod jammed up it but that didn’t mean I couldn’t appreciate the way it was put together.

Besides, I thought you were convinced that Price did it.’ ‘I changed my mind. It’s a lady’s prerogative.’ Winter halted abruptly. Slowly, he turned towards me. ‘You … you’re a lady?’ Ha. Ha. Ha. ***

I abandoned the plan to make millions from the spell when I realised that people would finally realise their cats are selfish little bastards who only care about themselves. There would have been mass feline abandonment if they heard what their pets really have to say.

Pet,’ Brutus repeated. ‘Bitch.’ ‘Don’t be offended,’ I said. ‘He calls everyone that.’ I winked at Brutus

What drives society forward is having a strong backbone of people willing to do the jobs that their leaders don’t want to dirty their hands with.

But you decided I was going to fail before I even had the chance to try.

You should count yourself lucky,’ she grinned. ‘I’m far too much like hard work.’ It was on the tip of Winter’s tongue to tell her that she should know by now that he liked hard work.

Harold,’ I called. ‘Harold! It’s Ivy from down the hall.’ The cat didn’t answer. Perhaps I was being too familiar with the familiar. I tried again. ‘Harold Fitzwilliam Duxworthy the Third? Are you there?

I pulled out, making the driver in the battered BMW coming up behind me gesture in my direction with an angry scowl. Now, now. He had plenty of room to slow down. I reckon that anyone who gets irritated by something like that needs to sort their life out. If you’re getting stressed out by having to brake slightly, what happens to your equilibrium when your pipes burst or your kid gets suspended from school or your mum is diagnosed with cancer? It simply isn’t worth the effort to sweat the small stuff.