Sex Criminals, Vol. 1: One Weird Trick

The bank'll take everything you love sooner or later.

When i'm 58 years old and on my deathbed, i'd better see through my one good eye Matt drawing a donger on my forehead, cum doodles dripping down my face like life-giving tears.

Fellas! Want to drive her wild? Then learn how to fold a goddamn bath towel, Gerry, jesus FUCK.

Having sex in new locations can be exciting, like when Neil Armstrong fucked the moon.

I've talked to girls who were so blasé about their orgasm. Like it was another thing to do, like I was making it too mythical, too big. Like it wasn't important. Fuck you. This is huge for me. I am God now.