Percy Jackson's Greek Gods

I wake up every morning and think: You know what would be good today? Not dying.

So Aphrodite married Hephaestus and the celebrity ship Aphrophaestus completely dominated Olympian tabloid news for like a thousand years. Did they live happily ever after? HAHAHAHAHA. No.

He was also the god of (take a deep breath) commerce, languages, thievery, cheeseburgers, trickery, eloquent speaking, feasts, cheeseburgers, hospitality, guard dogs, birds of omen, gymnastics, athletic competitions, cheeseburgers, cheeseburgers and telling fortunes with dice. Okay, I just tossed in the cheeseburgers to see if you were paying attention. Also, I’m hungry.

Hermes played a little Mozart and some One Direction, and Apollo cried, ‘I must have it! The girls will go wild for that!

I mean, five gods in one stomach—dang. That's enough for doubles tennis, including a ref. They'd been down there so long, they were probably hoping Kronos would swallow down a deck of cards or a Monopoly game.

In the beginning. I wasn't there.

You're already married!" Hera protested. "To me!" "Curses!" said Zeus. "Er, I mean, of course, dear.

Hey girl," he said, wiggling his eyebrows. "You must be the riptide, 'cause you sweep me off my feet." He'd be practicing that pickup line for years. He was glad he finally got yo use it.

Also, Ares developed a serious fear of jars. I think I'm going to get him a nice one for Christmas.

If I ever become a king, I’m totally going to ask him for an army of giant golden acid-spitting llamas. Okay, sorry. I got distracted again.

My favorite son!" Gaea cried. "You are awesome! I knew I could count on you, uh... which one are you again?

G.I. Joe boxers!’ Apollo screamed. ‘OH—oh, I can’t even... HAHAHAHAHA!’ ‘Aphrodite,’ Athena giggled. ‘You look simply lovely.’ The gods couldn't stop laughing. Soon they were rolling on the floor, wiping tears from their eyes, taking photos with their phones to post on Tumblr.

Kronos became the Titan of time. He couldn’t pop around the time stream like Doctor Who or anything, but he could occasionally make time slow down or speed up. Whenever you’re in an incredibly boring lecture that seems to take forever, blame Kronos. Or when your weekend is way too short, that’s Kronos’s fault, too.

Incoming!" yelled Poseidon. They shifted-as much as they could in the cramped space-and Rocky landed in their midst. "This is not a baby," Hades noticed "I think it's a rock." He was observant that way.

Excuse me, have you seen Death? Big guy with black feathery wings? Likes to reap souls?

Theophane gave birth to a magical ram named Krysomallos, who for some reason had wool made of gold. Eventually, Krysomallos would be skinned for his fleece, which became known as the Golden Fleece, which means I am related to a sheepskin rug.

Behold, my children!" she said. "The instrument of my revenge. I will call it a scythe!" The Titans muttered among themselves: What is that for? Why is it curved? How do you spell scythe?

If Aphrodite is angry, she might make you fall in love with a toy poodle, or a telephone pole.

Hades took off his helm. His complexion was even paler than usual. He had a bad case of helmet hair. He was sweating and nervous and blinking like he had something in his eyes. "I am Hades," he said in a squeaky voice. "I love you.

Me, I’m late to meet my girlfriend. Annabeth is going to kill me. Hope you enjoyed the stories. Stay safe out there, demigods. Peace from Manhattan, Percy Jackson

Gaea snarled in frustration. "Don't be cowards! It's very simple. You take this sharp pointy blade and you cut your dad into small pieces so he can't bother us again. Whichever of you does this will be the ruler of the universe! Also, I will make you those cookies you used to like, with the sprinkles.

Did they live happily ever after? HAHAHAHAHA. No.

You can't swing a cat in Ancient Greece without hitting one of Zeus's ex-girlfriends.

You’ve probably met moms like that. You say, “Yeah, I scored a goal in the soccer game last night.” And she says, “Oh, that’s nice. All fourteen of my children are the captains of their teams, and they make straight A’s and can play the violin.” And you just want to smack her.

He was proud of his "hometown" goddess, even if he hadn't found his one true pairing (OTP) yet.

Maybe the lesson is: Know when to brag and when to keep your mouth shut. Or: Sometimes life isn’t fair, even if you are as gifted as Athena. Or maybe: Don’t give away free tapestries.

Ah, but I’m wise ,” Athena said. “Wise enough to make you do it instead.

Note to self: If you’re trying not to have kids, don’t marry a lady who is the Titan of motherhood.

Hey, for a scythe, cookies, and a chance to commit murder, Kronos could hide his true feelings.