In the Stillness

Heroes don’t always wear capes, badges, or uniforms. Sometimes, they support those who do.

It feels like a lifetime ago that I was saying goodbye to you... God, I miss you. I love you so much, Natalie, and when I get home I’m going to keep loving you until you tell me to stop. But don’t, please. Don’t tell me to stop. I love you. With everything.

But, the thing about guilt is, no one can take away for you; you have to unpack it yourself.

His body came home, but his soul had been devoured in the firefight of a godless desert.

I would go through every single second of that again it it meant I still got to feel that kind of love – even for a moment.

Sometimes, the things people don't say speak louder than the things they do, though.

Do you love me?” … “I never stopped, Nat. Not for a day.

Guilt is intense. Suffocating. A brick, tied quietly around your ankles while you sleep. You never fall slowly into guilt-you wake up with little time to take your last breath before being pulled under.

You two had something special – it’s the circumstances that were shitty.

It only looks like such a mess because it’s not over yet.

You made him feel special, Ryker…” Ryker smiles as he leans back on the arm of his couch, still holding my hand. “He is special, Natalie…he’s yours.

Change never comes slowly, brewing on the horizon. It's always in a second. Balanced on the rip of a razor blade, in empty pill bottles, behind two pink lines, or learning that one of your children is slowly slipping into a world of silence.

Because I love him, and you don't hurt the people you love. Not on purpose.

He keeps doing that.” “What?” She laughs. “Kissing your forehead.” “Yeah . . . he does.” I can’t stop my grin. “Does it bother you? I can hear your smile, you know.” “Not really. It doesn’t, like, mean anything. It’s just . . . it’s Ryker.

…When you love someone, you love them head-to-toe and inside out because… well, because you can’t help it? I love you for a reason, Natalie. You’re mine and I’m yours.

They took his soul over there, fuckers, and left me with the breathing carcass.

You know that split second? The one where you decide if you’re going to just smile and continue looking around, or chance an encounter with a stranger? It’s a dangerous moment. It changes absolutely everything.

I keep cutting. For him. For me. For ruining lives. Apparently, I’m good at that.

It’s over now, Ryker.” “That’s the thing, Natalie… it’s never really over.

How’d you get through it? The uncertainty, I mean.” I was never uncertain about our hearts.

I love you so much, Natalie, and when I get home I’m going to keep loving you until you tell me to stop. But don’t, please. Don’t tell me to stop. I love you. With everything.

I love you,” he says as he meets me in the doorway. “Just because you say it doesn’t make it true, you know.

I just...I've fantasized about peace and quiet for so long, dreamt about being left alone...but when the TV was off, and the sun was down...I'm in a full sob right now. I've just never felt so alone, and I couldn't take it.