Get Well Soon

When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass!

What if I have bad breath?' I asked. 'Chew on some gum,' she said. 'What if I can't find his tongue?' 'Back off on your tongue until you can feel his.' 'What if he throws up in my mouth?' 'Um, that would just be gross.

I'm probably the only person on earth who had to be committed to a mental hospital to find a date.

I hardly think it wise to put the idea of flying into the heads of impressionable teenagers who are already battling the challenges of lunacy.

Raisins again. I like raisins, but I have a habit of losing one or two on the floor every time I eat them. I always find them later and think they are: a) a mouse turd or b) a cockroach. Then I figure out it's a raisin and sigh with relief. This pretty much happens every time I find a lost raisin.

Get Well Soon. People sent me get well soon cards while I was in a mental hospital. There were fluffy little bunnies, floaty rainbows, and even a religious card. I could understand that Hallmark probably doesn’t make “Get Sane Soon” cards, but still. Was I not well before? Am I well now? Who decides?

So love is possible at the Loony Bin. Or, at least, lust.

It's amazing how something can be blue and yet absolutely colorless.