“Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that.
- T-shirt”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“That took balls."
"Please," I said with a snort, "that took ovaries. Of which I have two.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“Maybe I needed sensitivity training. I once signed up for an anger management class, but the instructor pissed me off.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“My fore-parts, as you so ineloquently put it, have names.”
I pointed to my right breast. “This is Danger.” Then my left. “And this is Will Robinson. I would appreciate it if you addressed them accordingly.”
After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, “You named your breasts?”
I turned my back to him with a shrug. “I named my ovaries, too, but they don’t get out as much.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“Genius has its limitations.
Insanity...not so much" -Bumper Sticker”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“If I couldn't be a good example, I'd just have to be a horrible warning.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“I may not look like much, but I'm an expert at pretending to be a ninja.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“I went down like a drunken cowgirl trying to line dance to Metallica.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“I have three words for you," EMT Guy said. "Possible internal bleeding."
I turned back to him. "Don't you think if I was bleeding internally, I'd know somewhere deep inside? Like, internally?”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“I'd have a longer attention span if there weren't so many shiny things.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, "You named your breasts?"
I turned my back to him with a shrug. "I named my ovaries, too, but they don't get out as much.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“You’re just using me for my body.” “You don’t have a body,” I’d remind him.
“Throw that in my face.”
“Technically, you don’t have a face either.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“It isn’t the fall that will kill you, but the sudden stop.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“Can I jump in your body and make out with my wife through you?”
I fought a grin. “It doesn’t really work that way.”
“Then can you just make out with my wife and pretend I’m in your body?”
“No.”
“I can pay. I have money.”
“How much we talking?”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“But, you're his son," I said, trying really hard to hate him. "You're the son of Satan. Literally."
"And you are the stepdaughter of Denise Davidson."
Wow. That was a bit harsh, but, "Okay, point taken.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“I pointed in the general vicinity of my left ovary, "This is Beam Me Up." Then to my right. "And this is Scotty." Garret chuckled and buried his face in his hands. He asked.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“Oh, and she told me that men want only one thing.
And on that note, I must give praise and thanks to the powers that be. I don't want much else from them either.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“She's like a hurricane on crystal meth.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“A sheriff arrested me. I could be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure my men-in-uniform fetish began that day. The sheriff was hot. And he handcuffed me. I've never been the same.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“While I was busy reminiscing about my first day on earth, I had forgotten that I was falling to my death. Damned ADD.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“When fighting clowns, always go for the juggler.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“Did you get checked out?”
“Yeah, by a hot blond who sat in the corner of the bar and made googly eyes at me.”
“I meant by a doctor.”
“No, but a balding yet bizarrely hot paramedic said I’d be fine."
“Oh, and he’s an expert?”
“At flirting.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“He said you sparkle like a newborn galaxy and have more attitude than a rich kid with his daddy's Porsche.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“Dude,” I said, leaning over the desk, “I’m about as psychic as a carrot.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“A split second later, my life flashed before my eyes, and I came to one important conclusion about it.
It was fun while it lasted.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“Oh, I forgot to tell you," Cookie said. "Amber wants your dad to get a teriyaki machine so she can sing for all the lonely barflies."
"I'm a good singer, mom."
Only a twelve-year-old could make the word mom sound blasphemous.
I leaned into Cookie, "Does she know its not called--?"
"No," she whispered.
"Are you gonna tell her?"
"No. It's much funnier this way.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“Apparently, this really was Kill Charley Davidson Week. Or at least Horribly Maim Her.... It would probably never get government recognition, though, destined to be underappreciated like Halloween or Thesaurus Day.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“When Papa finished surveying the tools, he shut the shed as best he could and they headed toward the house. Ivy gasped when they reached the back door. Someone had painted the words: “Papa, that’s awful!” Papa sucked air through gritted teeth. “I do not like these words.” “Papa, the son’s feelings will be hurt if he sees this. He wouldn’t be pleased. We should paint over it.” “I’m glad you feel that way. That’s exactly what we should do. We need to look inside the house, too, but it will take some time to go through their things. Maybe Mama can do it next week.”
― Pam Muñoz Ryan, quote from Echo
“I need to get at Fate’s design in this. What exactly does it want of me? Did it pick me? Because Miss Brown…” he began with a calm warning. “I worked for Fate in the past. I slaved my ass off for her. Then she handed me over to Irony, a cruel bastard with a shit eating grin, and I worked for him too. I slaved for both, all my life, without stop, without wavering. I was a good employee to the universe. And then one day, I quit,” he said. “I’ve been MIA for near a decade. And it seems… I’ve been found.” She”
― Lucian Bane, quote from Reginald Bones: Part One
“A Conformist is a man who declares, "It's true because others believe it" - but an Individualist is NOT a man who declares, "It's true because I believe it."
An Individual declares, "I believe it because I see in reason that it is true.”
― Ayn Rand, quote from The Virtue of Selfishness: A New Concept of Egoism
“I would follow him to hell, and that is saying not a little, as I believe him entirely capable of the descent.”
― Alexandre Dumas, quote from Twenty Years After
“It is almost impossible to express the extraordinary silence that came over everyone whose eyes were fixed on the painting––not a rustle, not a sound; and the painting meanwhile appeared loftier and loftier with every minute; brightly and wonderfully it detached itself from everything, and all transformed finally into one instant––the fruit of a thought that had flown down to the artist from heaven––an instant for which the whole of human life is only a preparation.”
― Nikolai Gogol, quote from The Collected Tales of Nikolai Gogol
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