“Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that.
- T-shirt”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“That took balls."
"Please," I said with a snort, "that took ovaries. Of which I have two.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“Maybe I needed sensitivity training. I once signed up for an anger management class, but the instructor pissed me off.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“My fore-parts, as you so ineloquently put it, have names.”
I pointed to my right breast. “This is Danger.” Then my left. “And this is Will Robinson. I would appreciate it if you addressed them accordingly.”
After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, “You named your breasts?”
I turned my back to him with a shrug. “I named my ovaries, too, but they don’t get out as much.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“Genius has its limitations.
Insanity...not so much" -Bumper Sticker”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“If I couldn't be a good example, I'd just have to be a horrible warning.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“I may not look like much, but I'm an expert at pretending to be a ninja.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“I went down like a drunken cowgirl trying to line dance to Metallica.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“I have three words for you," EMT Guy said. "Possible internal bleeding."
I turned back to him. "Don't you think if I was bleeding internally, I'd know somewhere deep inside? Like, internally?”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“I'd have a longer attention span if there weren't so many shiny things.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, "You named your breasts?"
I turned my back to him with a shrug. "I named my ovaries, too, but they don't get out as much.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“You’re just using me for my body.” “You don’t have a body,” I’d remind him.
“Throw that in my face.”
“Technically, you don’t have a face either.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“It isn’t the fall that will kill you, but the sudden stop.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“Can I jump in your body and make out with my wife through you?”
I fought a grin. “It doesn’t really work that way.”
“Then can you just make out with my wife and pretend I’m in your body?”
“No.”
“I can pay. I have money.”
“How much we talking?”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“But, you're his son," I said, trying really hard to hate him. "You're the son of Satan. Literally."
"And you are the stepdaughter of Denise Davidson."
Wow. That was a bit harsh, but, "Okay, point taken.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“I pointed in the general vicinity of my left ovary, "This is Beam Me Up." Then to my right. "And this is Scotty." Garret chuckled and buried his face in his hands. He asked.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“Oh, and she told me that men want only one thing.
And on that note, I must give praise and thanks to the powers that be. I don't want much else from them either.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“She's like a hurricane on crystal meth.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“A sheriff arrested me. I could be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure my men-in-uniform fetish began that day. The sheriff was hot. And he handcuffed me. I've never been the same.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“While I was busy reminiscing about my first day on earth, I had forgotten that I was falling to my death. Damned ADD.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“When fighting clowns, always go for the juggler.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“Did you get checked out?”
“Yeah, by a hot blond who sat in the corner of the bar and made googly eyes at me.”
“I meant by a doctor.”
“No, but a balding yet bizarrely hot paramedic said I’d be fine."
“Oh, and he’s an expert?”
“At flirting.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“He said you sparkle like a newborn galaxy and have more attitude than a rich kid with his daddy's Porsche.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“Dude,” I said, leaning over the desk, “I’m about as psychic as a carrot.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“A split second later, my life flashed before my eyes, and I came to one important conclusion about it.
It was fun while it lasted.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“Oh, I forgot to tell you," Cookie said. "Amber wants your dad to get a teriyaki machine so she can sing for all the lonely barflies."
"I'm a good singer, mom."
Only a twelve-year-old could make the word mom sound blasphemous.
I leaned into Cookie, "Does she know its not called--?"
"No," she whispered.
"Are you gonna tell her?"
"No. It's much funnier this way.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“Apparently, this really was Kill Charley Davidson Week. Or at least Horribly Maim Her.... It would probably never get government recognition, though, destined to be underappreciated like Halloween or Thesaurus Day.”
― Darynda Jones, quote from First Grave on the Right
“A pretty young Hebrew woman spoke so little English I could not get her story except as told by the nurses. They said her name is Sarah Fishbaum, and that her husband put her in the asylum because she had a fondness for other men than himself.”
― Nellie Bly, quote from Ten Days in a Mad-House
“Man needed to dream. Yes, he needed to believe in illusions, to aspire to something more than the miserable, hostile life that suffocated him.”
― Félix J. Palma, quote from The Map of the Sky
“When I do finally get you naked beneath me—and trust me, it’s not a question of if, but when—I’m going to make sure you haven’t so much as looked at a drink. I want you to remember everything I do with my hands and my lips and my tongue.”
― Carmen Jenner, quote from Welcome to Sugartown
“Bir türkü duyulur... Gecede başka türlü, gündüzde başka türlüdür. Çocuk söylerse başka tatta, kadın söylerse... Genç söylerse başka türlü olur, yaşlı söylerse... Dağda söylenirse başka, ovada, ormanda, denizde başka türlüdür. Hep ayrı ayrı tattadır. Sabahleyin başka, öğle, ikindin, akşamlayın başkadır.”
― Yaşar Kemal, quote from Memed, My Hawk
“For some reasonthen, I remember how Sam hated to be laughed at, and all of the times I did it anyway, because I wanted him to feel stupid, and I wonder how anybody can be cruel to someone they love. How can anyone do anything but love each other and be kind when at the end of it all, waiting quietly, sure as the dark at the end of the loveliest day, is only this?”
― C.J. Flood, quote from Infinite Sky
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