Carry the Ocean

sometimes I feel like everyone else is carrying a bucket of water but I’m trying to carry an ocean. its very hard. sometimes I would rather not carry my ocean, even if it meant I couldn’t be alive.

Depression is having a crowd of dementors live in your head twenty-four/seven.

Frankly, I’m awesome, and anybody who doesn’t agree should get out of my way.

I am normal. I belong. I have a friend who can kick ass from a wheelchair. I live independently and get good grades. I'm an excellent lover. Like I said. I'm awesome. I'm Emmet David Washington. Train Man. The best autistic Blues Brother on the block.

Sometimes I liked him for his smile. Sometimes I liked him because he didn’t smile. Sometimes I got an erection because of the way he brushed his hair away from his face. It didn’t matter to my brain that these were odd reasons to care for someone. My brain, my body, my everything wanted to be Jeremey’s boyfriend.

No one is normal. Normal is a lie.

That's my ocean. I have to pretend as best I can to be like people on the mean so people don't call me a robot. I'm not a robot. I'm real and I have feelings the same as everyone else. And I want a boyfriend. Except my ocean doesn't make me want to be dead. It makes me want to fight. I want you to fight too, Jeremey. I want us to carry our oceans together.

I really am Super Emmet, and like the comic book Superman, I have a powerful secret weapon. My mom.

my emotions feel loud and big. its hard for me to keep hold of them. they weigh me down. make me heavy and tired and overwhelmed. sometimes I feel like everyone else is carrying a bucket of water but I’m trying to carry an ocean. its very hard. sometimes I would rather not carry my ocean, even if it meant I couldn’t be alive.

Remember having a panic attack isn’t a failure, and not having one isn’t a success. Success is not letting the attacks run your life

It’s like Elwood Blues says: everybody needs somebody to love. I’m an everybody. I get a somebody.

I don’t think people understand about suicidal thoughts. They act as if everyone who makes an attempt is looking for attention.

People are good medicine, but they can’t be your foundation of functionality. You must build that yourself.

There is no normal, not really. Not a right and a wrong way to be. But there is belonging. That day in Bohemia with Jeremey and David and the girls, I belonged. I belonged as much as anybody on the mean. Maybe even a little bit more.

There is no normal. There is not an invisible bar you must meet to be acceptable to society.

I can't live in the dorms and I can't stop people from calling me a freak, but I can always solve for X.

Mental illness is no different than a heart condition. In the same way a faulty valve can cause harm to the body and require medication and care, so does a malfunctioning brain. Insanity is a crude, culturally loaded term setting the sufferer apart in a way which will not aid the patient’s recovery. The way we regard those whose brains hinder them with fault or injury is a prejudice, not a diagnosis.” Dr. North

My anger and sadness was my ocean, and I couldn’t carry it. Not anymore. No one could really love me. Not when they could love somebody else instead.

When you have an invisible disease, your sickness isn’t your biggest problem. What you end up battling more than anything else, every single day, is other people.

Mrs. Samson is a bitch, Mom.

Nothing in the world is the same as anything else, so how can anyone be normal?

it’s okay to go slow. That everybody else’s pace and definition of success isn’t mine. What is easy for other people isn’t necessarily so for me. Though some things are easy for me and hard for other people.

There is no normal, not really. Not a right and a wrong way to be. But there is belonging.

Mom, stop. I have a boyfriend. Jeremey. Why do you think I’ve been hanging out with him so much? But I can’t talk about that right now. He’s upset. I have to fix it.

Everything will change, if you wait long enough.