The Sun and Her Flowers

why is it that when the story ends we begin to feel all of it

a lot of times we are angry at other people for not doing what we should have done for ourselves - responsibility

what love looks like what does love look like the therapist asks one week after the breakup and i’m not sure how to answer her question except for the fact that i thought love looked so much like you that’s when it hit me and i realized how naive i had been to place an idea so beautiful on the image of a person as if anybody on this entire earth could encompass all love represented as if this emotion seven billion people tremble for would look like a five foot eleven medium-sized brown-skinned guy who likes eating frozen pizza for breakfast what does love look like the therapist asks again this time interrupting my thoughts midsentence and at this point i’m about to get up and walk right out the door except i paid too much money for this hour so instead i take a piercing look at her the way you look at someone when you’re about to hand it to them lips pursed tightly preparing to launch into conversation eyes digging deeply into theirs searching for all the weak spots they have hidden somewhere hair being tucked behind the ears as if you have to physically prepare for a conversation on the philosophies or rather disappointments of what love looks like well i tell her i don’t think love is him anymore if love was him he would be here wouldn’t he if he was the one for me wouldn’t he be the one sitting across from me if love was him it would have been simple i don’t think love is him anymore i repeat i think love never was i think i just wanted something was ready to give myself to something i believed was bigger than myself and when i saw someone who probably fit the part i made it very much my intention to make him my counterpart and i lost myself to him he took and he took wrapped me in the word special until i was so convinced he had eyes only to see me hands only to feel me a body only to be with me oh how he emptied me how does that make you feel interrupts the therapist well i said it kind of makes me feel like shit maybe we’re looking at it wrong we think it’s something to search for out there something meant to crash into us on our way out of an elevator or slip into our chair at a cafe somewhere appear at the end of an aisle at the bookstore looking the right amount of sexy and intellectual but i think love starts here everything else is just desire and projection of all our wants needs and fantasies but those externalities could never work out if we didn’t turn inward and learn how to love ourselves in order to love other people love does not look like a person love is our actions love is giving all we can even if it’s just the bigger slice of cake love is understanding we have the power to hurt one another but we are going to do everything in our power to make sure we don’t love is figuring out all the kind sweetness we deserve and when someone shows up saying they will provide it as you do but their actions seem to break you rather than build you love is knowing who to choose

you left and i wanted you still yet i deserved someone who was willing to stay

despite knowing they won’t be here for long they still choose to live their brightest lives - sunflowers

it isn't what we left behind that breaks me it's whatever we could've built had we stayed

You do not just wake up and become the butterfly" -Growth is a process.

we have been dying since we got here and forgot to enjoy the view - live fully

the right one does not stand in your way they make space for you to step forward

i stand on the sacrifices of a million women before me thinking what can i do to make this mountain taller so the women after me can see farther - legacy

you ask if we can still be friends i explain how a honeybee does not dream kissing the mouth of a flower and then settle for its leaves

you're everywhere except right here and it hurts

on the last day of love my heart cracked inside my body

i could be anything in the world but i wanted to be his

i hardened under the last loss. it took something human out of me. i used to be so deeply emotional i’d crumble on demand. but now the water has made its exit. of course i care about the ones around me. i’m just struggling to show it. a wall is getting in the way. i used to dream of being so strong nothing could shake me. now. i am. so strong. that nothing shakes me. and all i dream is to soften.

I will no longer compare my path to others -I refuse to do a disservice to my life

i spent the entire night casting spells to bring you back

i am made of water of course i am emotional

borders are man-made they only divide us physically don’t let them make us turn on each other - we are not enemies

this place makes me the kind of exhausted that has nothing to do with sleep and everything to do with the people around me - introvert

trust your body it reacts to right and wrong better than your mind does

my god is not as unreachable as they'd like you to think my god is beating inside us infinitely

if I am the longest relationship of my life isn't it time to nurture intimacy and love with the person I lie in bed with each night

this morning I told the flowers what I'd do for you and they blossomed

If I'm not the love of your life I'll be the greatest loss instead

you call me to tell me you miss me i turn to face the front door of the house waiting for a knock days later you call to say you need me but still aren't here the dandelions on the lawn are rolling their eyes in disappointment the grass has declared you yesterday's news what do i care if you love me or miss me or need me when you aren't doing anything about it if i'm not the love of your life i'll be the greatest loss instead

even though we were both under the same roof of that coffee shop. i was still solar systems away from you.

it isn't blood that makes you my sister it's how you understand my heart as though you carry it in your body