Quotes from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“CUSTOMER: Hi, I just wanted to ask: did Anne Frank ever write a sequel?
BOOKSELLER: ........
CUSTOMER: I really enjoyed her first book.
BOOKSELLER: Her diary?
CUSTOMER: Yes, the diary.
BOOKSELLER: Her diary wasn’t fictional.
CUSTOMER: Really?
BOOKSELLER: Yes... She really dies at the end – that’s why the diary finishes. She was taken to a concentration camp.
CUSTOMER: Oh... that’s terrible.
BOOKSELLER: Yes, it was awful -
CUSTOMER: I mean, it’s such a shame, you know? She was such a good writer.”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“CUSTOMER: I read a book in the sixties. I don’t remember the author, or the title. But it was green, and it made me laugh. Do you know which one I mean?”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“CUSTOMER: Which was the first Harry Potter book?
BOOKSELLER: The Philosopher’s Stone.
CUSTOMER: And the second?
BOOKSELLER: The Chamber of Secrets.
CUSTOMER: I’l take The Chamber of Secrets. I don’t want The Philosopher’s Stone.
BOOKSELLER: Have you already read that one?
CUSTOMER: No, but with series of books I always find they take a while to really get going. I don’t want to waste my time with the useless introductory stuff at the beginning.
BOOKSELLER: The story in Harry Potter actually starts right away. Personally, I do recommend that you start with the first book – and it’s very good.
CUSTOMER: Are you working on commission?
BOOKSELLER: No.
CUSTOMER: Right. How many books are there in total?
BOOKSELLER: Seven.
CUSTOMER: Exactly. I’m not going to waste my money on the first book when there are so many others to buy. I’l take the second one.
BOOKSELLER: . . . If you’re sure.
(One week later, the customer returns)
BOOKSELLER: Hi, did you want to buy a copy of The Prisoner of Azkaban?
CUSTOMER: What’s that?
BOOKSELLER: It’s the book after The Chamber of Secrets.
CUSTOMER: Oh, no, definitely not. I found that book far too confusing. I ask you, how on earth are children supposed to understand it if I can’t? I mean, who the heck is that Voldemort guy anyway? No. I’m not going to bother with the rest.
BOOKSELLER: . . .”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“CUSTOMER: Do you have this children's book I've heard about? It's supposed to be very good. It's called "Lionel Richie and the Wardrobe.”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“CUSTOMER: If I were to, say... meet the love of my life in this bookshop, what section do you think they would be standing in?”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“CUSTOMER: I’m always on night shift at work.
BOOKSELLER (jokingly): Is that why you’re buying so many vampire novels?
CUSTOMER (seriously): You can never be too prepared.”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“CUSTOMER: OK, so you want this book?
THEIR DAUGHTER: Yes!
CUSTOMER: Peter Pan?
THEIR DAUGHTER: Yes, please. Because he can fly.
CUSTOMER: Yes, he can - he's very good at flying.
THEIR DAUGHTER: Why can't I fly, daddy?
CUSTOMER: Because of evolution, sweetheart.”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“It makes me sad that grown up books don’t have pictures in them. You’re brought up with them when you’re younger, and then suddenly they’re all taken away.”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“CUSTOMER: Hi.
BOOKSELLER: Hi there, how can I help?
CUSTOMER: Could you please explain Kindle to me.
BOOKSELLER: Sure. It’s an e-reader, which means you download books and read them on a small hand-held computer.
CUSTOMER: Oh OK, I see. So . . . this Kindle. Are the books on that paperback or hardback?”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“CUSTOMER: I don’t know why she wants it, but my wife asked for a copy of The Dinosaur Cookbook.

BOOKSELLER: The Dinah Shore Cookbook?”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“WOMAN: Hi, where are your copies of Breaking Dawn? I can't see any on the shelf.
BOOKSELLER: Sorry, I think we’ve sold out of the Twilight books; we’re waiting on more.
WOMAN: What?
BOOKSELLER: We should have some in tomorrow.
WOMAN: But I need a copy now. I finished the last one last night.
BOOKSELLER: I’m sorry, I can’t help you.
WOMAN: No, you don’t understand. I’ve taken the whole day off work to read it.
BOOKSELLER: Erm…
WOMAN: I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS! NOW!
BOOKSELLER: Erm…
WOMAN: Can you call your wholesaler and see if they can deliver this afternoon?
BOOKSELLER: They only ---
WOMAN: And then I can wait here for them.
BOOKSELLER: I’m sorry, they only deliver in the morning.
WOMAN: BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?
BOOKSELLER: . . .we have many other books.
WOMAN (sniffs): Do any of those have Robert Pattinson in them?”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“Bookshop Customer: 'Who wrote the bible?'
Customer's friend: 'Jesus.”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“MAN: Do you have black and white film posters?
BOOKSELLER: Yes, we do. They’re over here.
MAN: Do you have any posters of Adolf Hitler?
BOOKSELLER: Pardon?
MAN: Adolf Hitler.
BOOKSELLER: Well, he wasn’t a film star, was he.
MAN: Yes, he was. He was American. Jewish, I think...”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“CUSTOMER (to her friend): What's this literary criticism section? Is it for books that complain about other books?”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“on the phone
Bookseller: Hello Ripping Yarns.
Customer: Do you have any mohair wool?
Bookseller: Sorry, we're not a yarns shop, we're a bookshop.
Customer: You're called Ripping Yarns.
Bookseller: Yes, that's 'yarns' as in stories.
Customer: Well it's a stupid name.
Bookseller: It's a Monty Python reference.
Customer: So you don't sell wool?
Bookseller: No.
Customer: Hmf. Ridiculous.
Bookseller: ...but we do sell dead parrots.
Customer: What?
Bookseller: Parrots. Dead. Extinct. Expired. Would you like one?
Customer: Erm, no.
Bookseller: Ok, well if you change your mind, do call back.”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“CUSTOMER: Oh, look, these books are all signed. (Pause) I wonder who signed them ?”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“CUSTOMER:"Will you be open so I can buy the new Harry Potter book?
BOOKSELLER: Yep, we're having a midnight opening.
CUSTOMER: Great! What time?”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“CUSTOMER: I’m looking for a biography to read that’s really interesting. Could you recommend one?
BOOKSELLER: Sure. What books have you read and liked?
CUSTOMER: Well, I really loved Mein Kampf.
BOOKSELLER: . . .
CUSTOMER: Loved is probably not the right word.
BOOKSELLER: No. Probably not.
CUSTOMER: Liked, is probably better. Yes. Liked. I liked it a lot.
BOOKSELLER: . . .”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“Customer: Do you have any medical textbooks?
Bookseller: Sorry, no. They go out of date so quickly we don't stock them, but I can order one in for you.
Customer: I'm not worried about it being in date.
Bookseller: Does your university not request you have a specific edition?
Customer: Oh, I'm not a medical student. I just want to learn how to do stitches.
Bookseller: ... Right.
Customer: Do you have a book on sewing instead?”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“Customer: I'm looking for a book for my son. He's six.
Bookseller: How about this one - it's about-
Customer: Yeah, whatever, I'll take it.”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“Customer: Did Charles Dickens ever write anything fun?”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“CUSTOMER: These books are really stupid, aren’t they?
BOOKSELLER: Which ones?
CUSTOMER: You know, the ones where animals like cats and mice are best friends.
BOOKSELLER: I suppose they’re not very realistic, but then that’s fiction.
CUSTOMER: They’re more than unrealistic; they’re really stupid.
BOOKSELLER: Well, writers use that kind of thing to teach kids about accepting people different to themselves, you know?
CUSTOMER: Yeah, well, books shouldn’t pretend that different people get on like that and that everything is ‘la de da’ and wonderful, should they? Kids should learn that life’s a bitch, and the sooner the better.”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“Customer: Where are your fictional novels?”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“CUSTOMER (to their friend): God, the Famous Five titles realy were crap, weren’t they? Five Go Camping. Five Go Off in a Caravan.... If it was Five Go Down To a Crack House it might be a bit more exciting.”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“CUSTOMER: Do you have any of those books where you can change the names of the main character to the name of the person you're giving the book to? Do you have Alice in Wonderland, but not Alice, I'd like Sarah in Wonderland.
BOOKSELLER: I'm afraid you have to buy those from the publisher, as they're a print on demand service.
CUSTOMER: Yeah, I don't really have time to do that. Do you have a copy of Alice? Then I can buy some Tipp-ex or something, and edit it.”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“Customer: Do you have any crime books involving speeding fines?”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“CUSTOMER: Do you have that book – I forget what it’s called; it’s about people with large, hairy feet. BOOKSELLER: Do you mean hobbits? The Lord of the Rings? CUSTOMER: No.... erm – The Hairy Bikers.”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“CUSTOMER: You know that film, Coraline?
BOOKSELLER: Yes, indeed.
CUSTOMER: My daughter loves it. Are they going to make it into a book?”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“CUSTOMER (holding up a copy of a Harry Potter book): This doesn’t have anything weird in it... does it? BOOKSELLER: You mean, like, werewolves? CUSTOMER: No (whispers) - gays. BOOKSELLER: . . . right.”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

“CUSTOMER: You know how they say that if you gave a thousand monkeys typewriters, then they’d eventually churn out really good writing? BOOKSELLER: . . . yes. CUSTOMER: Well, do you have any books by those monkeys? BOOKSELLER: . . .”
― Jen Campbell, quote from Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

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