Nine Minutes

Who was this person who could hack a man to pieces one day and save a kitten the next?

A story about a man who has loved me from the very beginning, from the first glance. The man who always was and still is my soul mate.

Because, as long as we’ve been friends, you never once mentioned your husband’s huge dick.

He was my first love. He was a true love. In fact, he was the biological father of my firstborn, though she would never meet him. He wanted it that way. And deep down, so did I.

I loved numbers. I still love numbers. I love how they never lie. They always fit. There is always a constant.

I’m a little scared, Grizz. Actually, more nervous than scared.” I tilted my head up to him, hands damp. “I know you have experience. I have none. I’m afraid you’ve built me up in your head to an ideal I can’t live up to. I don’t want to disappoint you.” Until that very moment I didn’t even know the extent of my feelings. But I recognized there was truth in what I said. I was falling for Grizz. I still can’t explain the Grunt thing. Maybe it wasn’t real. Maybe it was all in my head because of the dream. I didn’t know. It didn’t matter. Because while I was talking, Grizz was kissing my neck and I was letting myself enjoy it. I closed my eyes and leaned into him. “You could never disappoint me, baby and I don’t want you to have experience. Everything you need to know you’ll learn from me,” he said as he turned me around and kissed me. “Only me.

I couldn’t believe it. I thought I’d seen a different Grizz. A sympathetic Grizz who rescued kittens and listened to my kind of music. Someone who made sure his young wife went to church every Sunday. I couldn’t believe how naïve I was. He was all of those things, but I kept forgetting that he didn’t get to be the leader of this gang by being soft. He was hard. He was cold-blooded. He was ruthless in his pursuit of what he wanted.

I’m a little scared, Grizz. Actually, more nervous than scared.” I tilted my head up to him, hands damp. “I know you have experience. I have none. I’m afraid you’ve built me up in your head to an ideal I can’t live up to. I don’t want to disappoint you.

He didn’t say he was upset because I married Grizz, thereby making me unavailable to him.

I liked how he gently squeezed my thigh just above my knee as we idled at a crosswalk.

Jan does a big dinner every year. You’ll like it.

I was a loner but never lonely and was an excellent student. I buried myself in my books. I showed a real talent for working with numbers. I loved numbers. I still love numbers. I love how they never lie. They always fit. There is always a constant.

About three feet from where you were tossing your dirty water.