Quotes from Married with Zombies

Jesse Petersen ·  253 pages

Rating: (5.8K votes)


“So you killed him with what now?"

"I tried that Dr. Phil book at first"..."And I finished it off with the toilet seat. Just so you know, you left it up again. That drives me crazy.”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies


“Just because she tried to eat us doesn't mean she was wrong”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies


“Give each other a compliment every day. Even when the undead attack, its nice to feel pretty. Or badass.”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies


“Address one issue at a time.You can't load gasoline, pick up food, AND kill fifteen zombies at once”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies


“Balance the world in your relationship. No one person should be responsible for killing ALL the Zombies.”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies



“I stared at him. "David, that's prison movies, not zombie movie.”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies


“Find creative ways to have fun together. Looting is really underrated.”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies


“Never go to bed angry. Terrified is okay.”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies


“Support your partner in their interests. You never know when batting practice, kung fu movie moves, or even a poker night might come in handy during a zombie infestation.”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies


“Thank God for the second amendment.”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies



“I went all kung fu on his zombie ass.”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies


“I stopped as I thought of poor Jack on my bathroom floor, just another victim of Dr. Phil.”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies


“Make requests, not demands. "Please" kill that zombie, honey, I'm out of bullets.”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies


“Build mutual friendships. Just be ready to end them when your friends start trying to eat you.”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies


“I should have known that having "end of the world" sex wouldn't solve our problems. Though, it was pretty great and I highly recommend it.”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies



“Because I'm not really certain she'd make the best travel partner through a zombie-infested city, he hissed. She gets confused by Scrabble.”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies


“You are your partner are on the same side - it's the side of the living.”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies


“Share in your activities and interests. If you are going to kill zombies anyway, why not do it together?”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies


“Present a united front: YOU against the zombies.”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies


“Talk openly about important issues like money, sex, and religion. They can affect your life and happiness a great deal. Especially when it comes to cults.”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies



“Show physical affection. Nothing says "I love you" like bearing the entirety of your spouse's weight.”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies


“Admit when you're wrong. It doesn't fix a busted leg, of course, but it's a nice gesture none-the-less.”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies


“Men are from Mars. Zombies are from Hell.”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies


“Um, didn’t Mythbusters once do an episode about how you couldn’t use sheets as a way out of prison?” I laughed. “I don’t remember if they busted it or not.”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies


“Have you ever wanted to smash a car? Or break a television? Or maybe burn a big fire in the middle of a city square? If the answer is yes, then you'd have some fun during a zombie infestation. It's the little moments, you know?”
― Jesse Petersen, quote from Married with Zombies



About the author

Jesse Petersen
Born place: in The United States
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Popular quotes

“Mzatal gave a decisive nod. “I will
manage this. It cannot continue to interfere
with his work. Too much is at stake.”
I raised an eyebrow. “How do you
intend to manage it?”
“I will tell him the truth and outline the
consequences.”
I was surprised Mzatal didn’t shrivel
away from the look I gave him. “Dude.
Seriously? You expect him to stop
crushing on me because you forbid it?”
Mzatal frowned, contemplative.
“Perhaps not ideal given the entanglement
of human emotions, though there is no time
for it to drag on,” he said, as if he actually
knew what he was talking about. “If he
knows you have no interest and sees how
his distractions have affected his work, he
will subside enough for now.”
My withering look became glacial.
“Boss, you’re completely awesome in
many ways, but you are so off-base with
this it’s not even funny.” I rolled my eyes.
“I’ve already ramped ‘No Interest’ up to
eleven on the dial and, at this point, he
doesn’t care if his work suffers.” I took a
big gulp of coffee, then ran my fingers
through my tangled hair. “Let me deal with
it. Normally I’m not into direct
confrontation with this sort of shit, but
there’s isn’t enough time for it to fizzle out
on its own.”
Mzatal regarded me with that damned
unreadable mask which he’d slipped on as
I was talking. Great. Lords weren’t much
on being told they were wrong, but it had
to be said.”
― Diana Rowland, quote from Touch of the Demon


“Vade Mecum

I want the scissors to be sharp
and the table perfectly level
when you cut me out of my life
and paste me in that book you always carry.”
― Billy Collins, quote from Sailing Alone Around the Room: New and Selected Poems


“And you’re a disgrace to the Tuttle family, you know? I gotta teach you how to throw a punch and you’re gonna learn how to fucking swim. I’m not jumping in to save your sorry ass every time you can’t figure out how to lift your fat head up out of the bathtub.” Matt said, “Fine.” Petey nodded once and said, “Good.” Matt growled, “Whatever.” “Yeah.” “Done.” “Fuck you.”
― J.F. Smith, quote from Latakia


“Love was like piloting a jet through a mountain range, blind. It was freeing and exhilarating, but at the same time, at any second the person risking their life piloting that plane could crash and burn, shattering into nothing but dust - all for one glorious ride.”
― Lydia Michaels, quote from Coming Home


“Well, nothing’s a life or death struggle anymore, is it? The era of honor and sacrifice is over.” I looked again at the O’Brian novels, lined up in order. “Jack Aubrey’s full of human failings—so’s Maturin—but they have principles, and they’d give their lives for them. Or for each other. Now it’s all about money and status and celebrity. Not that people haven’t always cared about those things, but it used to be considered venal, didn’t it?” I shrugged. “It’s like nobody bothers to grow up anymore. We just want to be kids all our lives. Collecting toys, having fun.”
― Beatriz Williams, quote from Overseas


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