Christopher Moore · 444 pages
Rating: (132.2K votes)
“Children see magic because they look for it.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“Nobody's perfect. Well, there was this one guy, but we killed him....”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“It’s sarcasm, Josh.”
“Sarcasm?”
“It’s from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren’t really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.”
“Well, if the village idiot named it, I’m sure it’s a good thing.”
“There you go, you got it.”
“Got what?”
“Sarcasm.”
“No, I meant it.”
“Sure you did.”
“Is that sarcasm?”
“Irony, I think.”
“What’s the difference?”
“I haven’t the slightest idea.”
“So you’re being ironic now, right?”
“No, I really don’t know.”
“Maybe you should ask the idiot.”
“Now you’ve got it.”
“What?”
“Sarcasm.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“That's the difference between irony and sarcasm. Irony can be spontaneous, while sarcasm requires volition. You have to create sarcasm.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“If you have come to these pages for laughter, may you find it.
If you are here to be offended, may your ire rise and your blood boil.
If you seek an adventure, may this song sing you away to blissful escape.
If you need to test or confirm your beliefs, may you reach comfortable conclusions.
All books reveal perfection, by what they are or what they are not.
May you find that which you seek, in these pages or outside them.
May you find perfection, and know it by name.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“Joshua's ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times a day, and although there were some high and low points, I could never remember the sermons word for word, but here's the gist of almost every sermon I ever heard Joshua give.
You should be nice to people, even creeps.
And if you:
a) believed that Joshua was the Son of God (and)
b) he had come to save you from sin (and)
c) acknowledged the Holy Spirit within you (became as a little child, he would say) (and)
d) didn't blaspheme the Holy Ghost (see c)
then you would:
e) live forever
f) someplace nice
g) probably heavan
However, if you:
h) sinned (and/or)
i) were a hypocrite (and/or)
j) valued things over people (and)
k) didn't do a, b, c, and d,
then you were:
l) fucked”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“You think you know how this story is going to end, but you don't.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“Josh: "What is this thing?"
Gasper: "It's a Yeti. An abominable snowman."
Biff: "This is what happens when you fuck a sheep?"
Josh: "Not an abomination, abominable.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“I've tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the gift of tongues, I'm having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it that one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere but you must busta cap in someone's ass? Is "ho" always feminine, and "muthafucka" always masculine, while "bitch" can be either? How many peeps in a posse, how much booty before baby got back, do you have to be all that to get all up in that, and do I need to be dope and phat to be da bomb or can I just be "stupid"? I'll not be singing over any dead mothers until I understand.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“It's very difficult to stay angry when a room full of bald guys in orange robes start giggling. Buddhism.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“It's hard for me, a Jew, to stay in the moment. Without the past, where is the guilt? And without the future, where is the dread? And without guilt and dread, who am I?”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“He invented Kung Fu when translated to English means method by which short, bald guys can kick the bejeezus out of you.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“This story is not and never was meant to challenge anyone's faith; however, if one's faith can be shaken by stories in a humorous novel, one may have a bit more praying to do.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“Oh, I get it," I said. "It's a parable. Cute. Let's go eat.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“Routine feeds the illusion of safety...”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“He loved constantly, instantly, spontaneously, without thought or words. That's what he taught me. Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell. That was his gift.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“Why is it one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere, but one must busta cap in someone's ass?”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“Oh, I would while away the hours,
Wanking in the flowers, my heart all full of song,
I'd be gliding all the lilies as I waved about my willie,
If I only had a schlong.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“I know that even now, having watched enough television, you probably won't even refer to them as lepers so as to spare their feelings. You probably call them 'parts-dropping-off challenged' or something.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“I've got to think that that was unethical," Joshua said.
"Josh, faking demonic possession is like a mustard seed."
"How is it like a mustard seed?"
"You don't know, do you? Doesn't seem at all like a mustard seed, does it? Now you see how we all feel when you liken things unto a mustard seed? Huh?”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“Faith isn't an act of intelligence, it's an act of imagination.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“I'm thinking of being a professional mourner. How hard can it be? Tear at your hair, sing a dirge or two, take the rest of the week off.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“I'll bet he was myrrh. Bastard, he brings the cheapest gift and now he wants to sodomize me.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall say "attaboy".”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“The angel has confided in me that he is going to ask the Lord if he can become Spider-Man. [...] The children need heroes, he says. I think he just wants to swing from buildings in tight red jammies.”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“You see," I explained to Joshua, "what Joy is doing is ironic, yet that's not her intent. That's the difference between irony and sarcasm. Irony can be spontaneous, while sarcasm requires volition. You have to create sarcasm."
"No kidding?" said Josh.
"Why do I waste my time with you?”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“... but to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, 'What if Jesus had known kung fu?”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
“Words, words, words, a million million words circle in my head like hawks, waiting to dive onto the page to rend and tear the only two words I want to write.
Why me?”
― Christopher Moore, quote from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
Christopher Moore
Born place: in Toledo, Ohio, The United States
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“Fine,” he said. “Murph, you wanna talk science, don’t just tell me you’re scared of some ghost. Record the facts, analyze—present your conclusions.”
― Greg Keyes, quote from Interstellar
“The extermination of the Jews has sometimes been seen as a kind of industrialized, assembly-line kind of mass murder, and this picture has at least some element of truth to it. No other genocide in history has been carried out by mechanical means - gassing - in specially constructed facilities like those in operation at Auschwitz or Treblinka. At the same time, however, these facilities did not operate efficiently or effectively, and if the impression given by calling them industrialized is that they were automated or impersonal, then it is a false one. Men such as Hess and Stangl and their subordinates tried to insulate themselves from the human dimensions of what they were doing by referring to their victims as 'cargo' or 'items.' Talking to Gerhard Stabenow, the head of the SS Security Service in Warsaw, in September 1942, Wilm Hosenfeld noted how the language Stabenow used distanced himself from the fact that what he was involved in was the mass murder of human beings: 'He speaks of the Jews as ants or other vermin, of their 'resettlement', that means their mass murder, as he would of the extermination of the bedbugs in the disinfestation of a house.' But at the same time such men were not immune from the human emotions they tried so hard to repress, and they remembered incidents in which individual women and children had appealed to their conscience, even if such appeals were in vain. The psychological strain that continual killing of unarmed civilians, including women and children, imposed on such men was considerable, just as it had been in the case of the SS Task Forces, whose troops had been shooting Jews in their hundreds of thousands before the first gas vans were deploted in an attempt not only to speed up the killing but also to make it somehow more impersonal.”
― Richard J. Evans, quote from The Third Reich at War
“La tristeza no desaparece, pero la desesperación debe ser contenida, pues no honra al que ha partido.”
― Augusto Cury, quote from The Dreamseller: The Calling
“thousand yards of this place.” “Who is she?”
― David Baldacci, quote from First Family
“do what your heart tells you, not your pride.”
― Kavita Kané, quote from Karna's Wife: The Outcast's Queen
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