“Did someone forget the golden rule?”
Look, but don’t touch…
Taste, but don’t swallow.”
“smeep (smep) v.
1. To give forth a short, shrill cry or sound. 2. To utter in a thin, shrill voice in extreme fandom.”
“Look, I’m not saying I look like a catfish or anything, but have you fucking seen him? He’s the kind of guy who makes Channing Fuck-My-Face Tatum dancing to Pony in Magic Mike look like an incompetent and ungraceful slouch.”
“But who are you, Jeffrey? Does Shumaker & Gates represent you as well?”
“Oh, yes! Of course. Why else would I be here?” Jeffrey laughed.
“And do you write under your real name or a pen name?”
“Oh. A pen name,” Jeffrey said quickly.
“And what name would that be?” asked Michael.
With his gears turning, I recognized the instant he got an idea.
“Nicholas Sparks,” Jeffrey replied.”
“Why a flower had become that, I had no idea. Something about flowers always made me think about the reproductive system.The scent of a rose—and any other flower—was like stuffing your nose into a vagina. What attracts bees to the aroma is the very reason flowers pollinate and continue to flourish. Smelling a flower was the equivalent to sniffing its reproductive organs.I shrugged and plucked the flower from its vase, pinning it to my lapel. This’ll do. I feel like such a pussy.”
“Now, I’ll admit, he’s nothing of which I was ashamed, but these girls were not only acting is if I was going to take each one of them into my bed,but also that my dick sported a red cape with a very large triangle-enclosed ‘S’ on its shaft.”
“Every good story needs the token gay guy, even if that story is your own.”
“Um, Monica?” “Yeah?” I asked cheerily. “Are you gonna be at the thing tonight?” The thing. I smiled. “Yeah. I’ll be there.” “Good.” He paused. “It will give you some time to come up with an explanation as to why you were whispering my name in the bathtub.”
“I’d apparently misunderstood the sexual deprivation and borderline psychotic fantasies of this country’s romance-reading community.”
“Nope. I’m done. I’ve had it. From now on I’m swearing off men entirely and living a celibate and contented life without the penis. It can be done.”
“They shouted, pulled my hair, tried to rip off my clothes, and grabbed my junk. Phones flew up into the air, snapping videos and pictures. Women threw room keys, flowers, underpants, pennies, and I believe I even saw a tampon fly.”
“I sighed. “Monica? I haven’t waxed my eyebrows, or any other essential areas, in over a month. I have four gray hairs at the age of twenty-nine. Three newfound whiskers on my chin. The bags under my eyes are atrocious and I’ve gone six months without using moisturizer on my face. I’m a fucking wreck!”
“I yanked up her skirt and pressed my fingers inside of her, ensuring she was ready. I’d seen this done in the movies—I’m pretty sure Armond did it in book two, as well—and”
“greatest theologian of the twentieth century, Karl Barth, said that ‘to clasp the hands in prayer is the beginning of an uprising against the disorder of the world’. And”
“I have never wanted to be inside a woman more in my life. I'm going mad in my desire for you. The way you moan, the way you taste, the way you come for me with unrestrained devotion, makes me crazy with wanting to know what will happen when I enter you: how your body will arch against mine, the sounds you'll make, the tightness I'll feel as you peak around my cock. I want you so fucking bad it's taking everything I have not to take you against this door, making you so full and stretched with me in you that you're mine and we both know it.”
“We don't understand how much those small moments of closeness mean to us until they're taken away.”
“It's as if our girls don't understand that they can be recognized for other things--their goals, their brains. Not just their bodies.”
“According to Buddhist tradition, the Buddha Gotama is not merely one unique individual who puts in an unprecedented appearance on the stage of human history and then bows out forever. He is, rather, the fulfillment of a primordial archetype, the most recent member of a cosmic “dynasty” of Buddhas constituted by numberless Perfectly Enlightened Ones of the past and sustained by Perfectly Enlightened Ones continuing indefinitely onward into the future. Early Buddhism, even in the archaic root texts of the Nikāyas, already recognizes a plurality of Buddhas who all conform to certain fixed patterns of behavior, the broad outlines of which are described in the opening sections of the Mahāpadāna Sutta (Dīgha Nikāya 14, not represented in the present anthology). The word “Tathāgata,” which the texts use as an epithet for a Buddha, points to this fulfillment of a primordial archetype. The word means both “the one who has come thus” (tath̄ ̄gata), that is, who has come into our midst in the same way that the Buddhas of the past have come; and “the one who has gone thus” (tath̄ gata), that is, who has gone to the ultimate peace, Nibbāna, in the same way that the Buddhas of the past have gone.”
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