The Speed of Dark

Sometimes I wonder how normal normal people are, and I wonder that most in the grocery store.

I like it that order exists somewhere even if it shatters near me.

I do not think God makes bad things happen just so that people can grow spiritually. Bad parents do that, my mother said. Bad parents make things hard and painful for their children and then say it was to help them grow. Growing and living are hard enough already; children do not need things to be harder. I think this is true even for normal children. I have watched little children learning to walk; they all struggle and fall down many times. Their faces show that it is not easy. It would be stupid to tie bricks on them to make it harder. If that is true for learning to walk, then I think it is true for other growing and learning as well. God is suppose to be the good parent, the Father. So I think God would not make things harder than they are. I do not think I am autistic because God thought my parents needed a challenge or I needed a challenge. I think it is like if I were a baby and a rock fell on me and broke my leg. Whatever caused it was an accident. God did not prevent the accident, but He did not cause it, either.... I think my autism is an accident, but what I do with it is me.

Everything in my life that I value has been gained at the cost of not saying what I really think and saying what they want me to say.

I try so hard, and it is still not working. I wear the same clothes as the others. I say the same words at the same times: good morning, hi, how are you, I'm fine, good night, please, thank you, you're welcome, no thank you, not right now. I obey the traffic laws; I obey the rules. I have ordinary furniture in my apartment, and I play my unusual music very softly or use headphones. But it is not enough. Even as hard as I try, the real people still want me to change, to be like them.

The book answers questions other people have thought of. I have thought of questions they have not answered. I always thought my questions were wrong questions because no one else asked them. Maybe no one thought of them. Maybe darkness got there first. Maybe I am the first light touching a gulf of ignorance. Maybe my questions matter.

I do not think God makes bad things happen just so that people can grow spiritually. Bad parents do that. Bad parents make things hard and painful for their children and then say it was to help them grow. Growing and living are hard enough already; children do not need things to be harder.

No matter what I do, no matter how predictable I try to make my life, it will not be any more predictable than the rest of the world. Which is chaotic.

Having to struggle gave me the chance to demonstrate strength of character.

You don't have to,' I say. 'You are normal. You have a job with tenure. You have Lucia and this house.' I cannot say the rest that I think, that he is easy in his body, that he sees and hears and tastes and feels what others do, so his reality matches theirs.

It is all knowing what to start with. If you start in the right place and follow all the steps, you will get to the right end.

Siempre pensaba que mis preguntas eran preguntas equivocadas porque nadie más las preguntaba. Tal vez no se les ocurrieron a nadie. Tal vez la oscuridad llegó allí primero. Tal vez yo soy la primera luz que toca un golfo de ignorancia. Tal vez mis preguntas importan.

La velocidad de la oscuridad ha de ser superior a la de la luz, por el sencillo razonamiento de que, cuando la luz llega a un sitio, la oscuridad ya está allí.

Miss Sevier in high school told us the police think we have knives or guns in our pockets and that they have killed people who were just trying to get out their IDs. I think that is wrong, but I read where the court decided it was all right if the police were really scared. Yet if anybody else is really scared of the police it’s not all right for the scared person to kill a policeman.

No creo que yo sea autista porque Dios pensara que mis padres necesitaban un desafío o que yo necesitara un desafío. Creo que es como si yo fuera un bebé y me cayera una piedra encima y me rompiera la pierna. La causa habrá sido un accidente. Dios no ha impedido el accidente, pero tampoco lo ha provocado.