Seth Grahame-Smith · 320 pages
Rating: (115.4K votes)
“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains.”
“Elizabeth: "Your balls, Mr. Darcy?"
Darcy: "They belong to you, Miss Bennett.”
“Of all the weapons she had commanded, Elizabeth knew the least of love; and of all the weapons in the world, love was the most dangerous.”
“Of all the weapons in the world, love is the most dangerous.”
“The business of Mr. Bennett's life was to keep his daughters alive. The business of Mrs. Bennett's was to get them married.”
Darcy merely looked at one another in awkward silence, until the latter reached both arms around
her. She was frozen-"What does he mean to do?" she thought. But his intentions were
respectable, for Darcy merely meant to retrieve his Brown Bess, which Elizabeth had affixed to
her back during her walk. She remembered the lead ammunition in her pocket and offered it to
him. "Your balls, Mr. Darcy?" He reached out and closed her hand around them, and offered,
"They belong to you, Miss Bennet." Upon this, their colour changed, and they were forced to look
away from one another, lest they laugh.”
“No ninjas! How was that possible? Five daughters brought up at home without any ninjas! I never heard of such a thing. Your mother must have been quite a slave to your safety.”
“Thank you, sir, but I am perfectly content being the bride of death.”
“Elizabeth lifted her skirt, disregarding modesty, and delivered a swift kick to the creature's head.”
“I would much prefer their minds to be engaged in the deadly arts than clouded with dreams of marriage and fortune, as your own so clearly is!”
“On the contrary, there is something pleasing about his mouth when he
speaks. And there is something of dignity in the way his trousers cling to those most English parts
“Elizabeth sheathed her sword, knelt behind him, and strangled him to death with his own large bowel.”
“Elizabeth, having rather expected to affront him, was amazed at his gallantry; and Darcy had never been so bewitched by any woman as he was by her. He really believed, that were it not for the inferiority of her connections, he should be in some danger of falling in love, and were it not for his considerable skill in the deadly arts, that he should be in danger of being bested by hers--for never had he seen a lady more gifted in the ways of vanquishing the undead.”
“Your mother will never see you again if you do not marry Mr. Collins, and I will never see you again if you do; for I shall not have my best warrior resigned to the service of a man who is fatter than Buddha and duller than the edge of a learning sword.”
“I know of nobody that is coming, I am sure, unless Charlotte Lucas should happen to call in- and I am sure my dinners are good enough for her, since she is an unmarried woman of seven-and-twenty, and as such should expect little more than a crust of bread washed down with a cup of loneliness.”
“Never had she so honestly felt that she could have loved him, as now, when all love must be vain.”
“Miss Bennet, I am quite aware of your superior talent for cutting down the Lord's forsaken flock. I merely mean to spare your gown.'
Thank you,' said Elizabeth, composing herself, 'but I should rather my gown be soiled than my honor.”
“He begged to know to which of his fair cousins the excellency of its cookery was owing.
Briefly forgetting her manners, Mary grabbed her fork and leapt from her chair onto the table. Lydia, who was seated nearest her, grabbed her ankle before she could dive at Mr. Collins and, presumably, stab him about the head and neck for such an insult.”
“She remembered the lead ammunition in her pocket and offered it to him. "Your balls, Mr. Darcy?" He reached out and closed her hand around them, and offered, "They belong to you, Miss Bennet.”
“What an excellent father you have, girls!' said she, when the door was shut. 'Such joys are scarce since the good Lord saw fit to close the gates of Hell and doom the dead to walk amongst us.”
“The more I see of the world, the more I am dissatisfied with it.”
“I should like balls infinitely better," she replied, "if they were carried on in a different manner."
"You should like balls infinitely better," said Darcy, "if you knew the first thing about them.”
“A few of the guests, who had the misfortune of being too near the windows, were seized and feasted on at once. When Elizabeth stood, she saw Mrs. Long struggle to free herself as two female dreadfuls bit into her head, cracking her skull like a walnut, and sending a shower of dark blood spouting as high as the chandeliers.
As guests fled in every direction, Mr. Bennet's voice cut through the commotion. "Girls! Pentagram of Death!"
Elizabeth immediately joined her four sisters, Jane, Mary, Catherine, and Lydia in the center of the dance floor. Each girl produced a dagger from her ankle and stood at the tip of an imaginary five-pointed star. From the center of the room, they began stepping outward in unison - each thrusting a razor-sharp dagger with one hand, the other hand modestly tucked into the small of her back.”
“I have been meditating on the very great pleasure which a pair of fine eyes in the face of a pretty women can bestow.'
Miss Bingley immediately fixated her eyes on his face, and desired he would tell her what lady had the credit of inspiring such reflections. Mr. Darcy replied:
'Miss Elizabeth Bennet.”
“Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure.”
“All I ask is that my final months be happy ones, and that I be permitted a husband who will see to my proper Christian beheading and burial.”
“I dare say she means to keep you from his attentions. Your honour demands she be slain.”
“My sisters and I cannot spend any substantial time searching for Wickham, as we are each commanded by His Majesty to defend Hertfordshire from all enemies until such time as we are dead, rendered lame, or married.”
“This is a most unfortunate affair, and will probably be much talked of. But we must stem the tide of idle chatter, and pour into our wounded bosoms the soothing balm of vengeance.”
“It may perhaps be pleasant, but it is sometimes a disadvantage to be so very guarded. If a woman conceals her affection with the same skill from the object of it, she may lose the opportunity.”
“That we occasionally violate our own stated moral code does not imply that we are insincere in espousing that code.”
“I want to see you. I want to see how you smile and feel your hands against mine. I want to lie next to you and dream with you and I can’t. I’ll…I’ll never have that.”
“I lie next to you every night. Don’t you know that?”
I sobbed hard into my hand. My devoured heart reached for him.
“You got me, babe. Fuck…you’ve had me.”
“You laughed either to keep yourself sane or because you’d given up on staying that way. Either way, you laughed.”
“She's the fire in my veins, the breath in my lungs, and the glue trying to hold each of my scars together.”
“The lemming types came out of their houses with flashlights. Going to light up the world with those flashlights, I guess." He laughed. "I stopped them all from watching Happy Days. Forced their IQs up a couple notches.”
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