Calico Jack in your Garden

Millwall fans are an earthy bunch, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but many of them lack social graces, and the demographics are far removed from architect’s impressions of the New Den, which is a superb ground

When leaving the ground, our ears were assaulted by language that you wouldn’t normally hear on a building site. In fact, most people in construction wouldn’t normally swear in public or in front of children. It appeared to me that the men in their twenties using these words were doing so on purpose, perhaps to make themselves appear ‘hard’ amongst other Millwall supporters, or to intimidate the opposition. But looking at them, they were pigeon chested and weak armed, and I suspected their use of foul language was intended to boost their stature to compensate for their lack of physical strength

I hate people who say, “Good moaning,” instead of, “Good morning.” What kind of a wanker, are they? I’ll tell you. It’s their little joke, you see. They view it as a clever play on words, changing one letter to make a completely different word. Do you get it? By changing the ‘r’ in morning to an ‘a’ the whole meaning of the word changes. Do you see how witty they are? WANKEEERRRSS!!!!

Much as I try not to find weirdos amongst the other passengers, I keep finding weirdos amongst the other passengers. Take this old woman yesterday, marching down the platform in front of me like she had a stick stuck up her arse. She had a face like an albino walnut. I didn’t know this at the time, of course, until I had cause to glance at her. Anyway, she was marching along talking to someone, swinging her arm about, and just as I go to overtake her she swung her hand down-and-out and hit me in the dick! I didn’t know what to do.

They reminded me, however, of soldiers in the Crusades, the Wars of the Roses or the Norman Conquest. Thick, but willing to fight anyone if told to

What’s this war called again?” “The Hundred Years War.” “Hmmmm, got a bad feeling about this one.

It’s a huge generalisation, and possibly unfair, but there is a nasty element to certain sections of the Millwall Crowd

When all’s said and done they’re a strange breed, these South and East Londoners, and they’re amused by little things. Their love of jellied eels and pie ‘n’ mash is astonishing. “Food of the Gods,” they call it, as they enter some filthy hovel to order pie ‘n’ mash, without even knowing what they’re eating. I’ve asked what meat it is and been told, “Meat? Its pie, pie ‘n’ mash with liquor. Food of the Gods.” But it’s not food of the Gods at all. It’s just pie and mashed potatoes, and that’s it. Nothing special about it. There’s nothing nostalgic about it. It’s not Bermondsey Billy Wells or the Artful Dodger. It’s just a meat pie and mashed potatoes. And it looks like Barry Manilow’s blown his nose in it.