Kyland

I do go to hell. Every day. For you.

Half agony, half hope. Half pain, half ecstasy. Half grief, half joy. Half my downfall, half my savior.

I think that when enough time has passed, when you've survived that which you didn't imagine you could, there's a dignity in that. Something you can own. A pride in knowing the pain made you stronger. The pain made you fight to succeed. Someday, when I'm living my dreams, I'm going to think of all the things that broke my heart and I'm going to be thankful for them. – TF

Sometimes my life felt so small. And I had to wonder why those of us who were given small lives, still had to feel pain so big.

Someday, when I'm living my dreams, I'm going to think of all the things that broke my heart and I'm going to be thankful for them.

I suffered, yes, but I realized I would happily suffer for you, because that's what loving someone is. Willing to do anything for them, willing to make any sacrifice, suffer so they don't have to. I loved you then, and I still love you now.

Are thy fighting or having a bookclub?

When it came to you, I noticed everything. I fell halfway in love with you before we ever spoke a word.

The colorful sky stretched before us—magnificent—as if it was trying to make up for the ugliness of our lives, our constant struggles. And for just the briefest, most fleeting of moments, maybe it did.

You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone forever . . . I have loved none but you,

And maybe we all saw books differently based on our own hearts.

We had everything we needed. None of it was big. Most of it was simple. But what I knew in that moment was that the size of your home, your car, your wallet, doesn't have one single thing to do with the size of your life. And my life . . . my life felt big, filled with love and with meaning.

I fell so damn hard, Tenleigh. Standing right at this bookshelf. I gave you my heart and you weren’t even in the room.

Tenleigh,” he repeated, his voice cracking. “Don’t love me. Please don’t love me. I can’t stay here. Don’t love me.” “It’s too late.” I shook my head back and forth in defiance. “It’s too late. I’m not asking you to stay, but it’s too late for me not to love you.

I’ve messed up so badly, hurt you so much, but – I never did take my heart back. And, God … someday I hope you might want it again.

Kissing her was like tipping over the edge of sanity.

Kiss me back, Tenleigh," he whispered, his voice strained. "God, please kiss me back.

You've kept that fire burning all this time, despite all you've lost. There's nothing stronger than that. Nothing.

I'm not brave, Tenleigh. I get up and live my sucky life. What else can I do?

Sometimes my life felt so small. And I had to wonder why those of us who were given small lives, still had to feel pain so big. It hardly seemed fair.

You drive me crazy,” he murmured. He brushed his lips across mine lightly and I shivered. “And you make the darkness go away. You bring me some kind of peace.” He let out a harsh exhale of breath and I drank it in. “I don’t know what to do with it.” “Take it, Ky,” I whispered. “You deserve some peace. Let me give it to you.

These were the hills of my blood, the land my father and all his fathers before him had worked and loved in, toiling in the coal mines, working the soil of their land, and falling in love with women who would give them proud Kentucky sons and daughters. For the first time since I'd been a little boy, I felt fierce with the love of home, of these mountains, of the people who lived here, trying, failing, trying again, hanging on by their fingernails to their God-given pride and their enduring love of Appalachia.

That's how Tenleigh affected me. I wanted her so desperately I felt like some part of me was starving for her.

Hey, Tenleigh," he whispered after a while. "Yes?" "That book, The Road?" "Hmm hmm?" I murmured, remembering his bad joke, using the word "devour" in reference to a book about cannibals. I smiled sleepily. "There's this line in it that talks about keeping a little fire burning inside, 'however small, however hidden.'" "Yes," I said softly. "I think about that line sometimes. I think about how that little fire is hope. I think about how you have to keep it burning to get you through the hard times, the times that seem so painful you don't want to continue on.

I do go to hell. Every day. For you." And then he whirled around and stalked out of the library, leaving me trembling and confused, angry and hurt. But I didn't cry. I refused to cry another tear over Kyland Barrett.

Life could injure you, but you could get up again if you were strong enough, and especially if you had the right person to help you out.

Tenleigh, when I say it was my choice to do what I did, to sacrifice getting out of here so you could, I meant that I did it happily. I mean that. I suffered, yes, but I realized I would happily suffer for you, because that's what loving someone is. Willing to do anything for them, willing to make any sacrifice, suffer so they don't have to. I loved you then, and I still love you now.

Tenleigh,” Kyland said, his voice gravelly. “Please don’t cry.” He stepped toward me. “Anything but that. Please.” He sounded desperate. “This is what I’ve been trying to avoid. This. I don’t want either of us to feel this way. He’d been pulling away from me to make it easier. And yet pulling away only made it hurt more. “Well, I do! And you don’t get to take that from me. I love you, and you don’t get to say anything about it. The love I feel for you is mine. And I’ll feel it if I want to.

For the first time in my whole life, I feel like I have control over the monsters in my head. For the first time in my life, I have hope.