“The more you can let go of the sadness, the more room there will be for light.”
“We get to the top of the driveway and get off the snowmobile. Bear bolts out of the darkness to greet us.
“Hey, boy,” says Teague, scratching back Bear’s ears.
“Yes, nice to see you too.” He nestles his nose to Bear’s, giving him an Eskimo kiss, which is funny, because, well, Teague is an Eskimo.”
“We get to the top of the driveway and get off the snowmobile. Bear bolts out of the darkness to greet us.
“Hey, boy,” says Teague, scratching back Bear’s ears.
“Yes, nice to see you too.” He nestles his nose to Bear’s, giving him an Eskimo kiss, which is funny, because, well, Teague is an Eskimo.
I take off my helmet and shake out my matted-down hair, which feels longer and suddenly sexier than I remembered it to be.
We stand there, Bear panting at our feet.
“So, um, thanks!” I say, half wanting to invite him in but half knowing I should let him go. It’s dark. It’s a school night. I should say good-bye while everything is perfect.
Say good-bye before the spell breaks.
I begin to step back, toward the cabin but--
“Wait a sec,” he says, setting his hand on my shoulder.
When he touches me. God.
“I want to ask you something,” he says.
“Ask away.”
“Well, what I want to ask you is--” Teague kneels down to attend to Bear. “Yes, boy, you just wait one second,” he says, ruffling his ears.
He stands back up.
“Okay, so,” he starts again.
I smile.
A big silly grin.
This boy is so cute, seriously, I--
“What I wanted to ask you is--”
He takes off his gloves and wraps his somehow warm hands around my mittens. Honestly, I think I’m going to die.”
“What I wanted to ask you is--”
He takes off his gloves and wraps his somehow warm hands around my mittens. Honestly, I think I’m going to die.
“What I want to ask you is, two days before Christmas, there is a big winter festival at the harbor.” He pauses for a second and squeezes my hands.
His dimples are in full working order.
“It’s kind of a boy-ask-girl thing, and I was wondering if you, Ms. Emily O’Brien, would like to go?”
“Like, together?” I blurt out. Oh my God, did I just say that!
“Yeah.” Teague grins. “That would be the idea.” He puts his bare hands into my mittens, our first official hand-holding moment, and I don’t just feel it in my hands. “There’s ceremonial dancing, tons of food, a band up from Juneau, and--”
I put my bare finger up to his lips.
I have no idea where I get this move.
“Shhhhh,” I say.
For a second we stand in the dark moonlight with Bear resting beneath us.
“Teague Denali.” I smile at him. “The answer is yes.”
“There’s ceremonial dancing, tons of food, a band up from Juneau, and--”
I put my bare finger up to his lips.
I have no idea where I get this move.
“Shhhhh,” I say.
For a second we stand in the dark moonlight with Bear resting beneath us.
“Teague Denali.” I smile at him. “The answer is yes.”
“On the last chunk of the wooden pier, the same spot where I first stepped off the ferry, Teague and I slip into a large crowd gathered around some kind of elaborate drumming ceremony. Native men, clad in robes and masks, pounding on barrels sheathed with sealskin. Their hand movements are synchronized perfectly. It’s beautiful. I watch, completely mesmerized, until Teague wraps his fingers around mine, which normally would be, well, perfect, except I am not normal and I’m far from perfect. I panic. The type of panic the universe kindly bestows upon you when the very thing you want to happen happens. For a brief second I consider the obvious solution of letting his hand go. But that would leave me with short-term comfort and long-term misery.”
“On the last chunk of the wooden pier, the same spot where I first stepped off the ferry, Teague and I slip into a large crowd gathered around some kind of elaborate drumming ceremony. Native men, clad in robes and masks, pounding on barrels sheathed with sealskin. Their hand movements are synchronized perfectly. It’s beautiful. I watch, completely mesmerized, until Teague wraps his fingers around mine, which normally would be, well, perfect, except I am not normal and I’m far from perfect. I panic. The type of panic the universe kindly bestows upon you when the very thing you want to happen happens. For a brief second I consider the obvious solution of letting his hand go. But that would leave me with short-term comfort and long-term misery.
So--
I stick with it.
I settle into the closeness, the unease.
I close my eyes.
I breathe.
The drumming becomes dreamlike, hypnotic, I get lost in the colors, the music, the repetitive looping rhythmic beat. It’s enchanting and elegant, and for a second, standing there attached to Teague, I am certain the drumming is not just awakening the sun. It’s awakening me.”
“At the end of the ceremony the crowd erupts in applause and Teague leans into me, still holding my hand. “I want you to meet someone,” he tells me. I follow him as he steps into some sort of line that has spontaneously formed behind one of the drummers. I watch as people bow before him like he is some sort of prophet.
“What are they doing?” I whisper.
“It’s a tradition.” He smiles quietly. “A way to show respect for elders.”
When it’s our turn, the two of us step in front of the man, our hands linked, as if we are bride and groom standing before a minister. I don’t know who this guy is, but I have butterflies. Teague bows. So I do too.
For the first time since that day in Sadie’s, Teague says something in his native language, then turns to me.
“Emily, this is my grandfather,” he says proudly. “Cal Denali.” The old man removes his colorful mask.
I know the smile.
My friend from Theona’s.
He reaches out and takes my hand in his and holds it for a very long while. He doesn’t say anything about Theona’s or, well, anything. His hand is warm and soft and strong for an old man. I feel like he is some sort of shaman, blessing me. And it doesn’t feel weird--it feels just the way my life is supposed to be.”
“Teague turns to me, his eyes wide as if to say, Let’s go!
Why not! I shrug, and smile and tie my bulky parka around my waist, tuck my gloves into the sleeve, and slip my hand back around Teague’s, pinching myself that his hand is actually still there, where I left it, waiting for me.
We walk onto the makeshift plywood dance floor together, weaving ourselves, our bodies, into the mayhem.
Teague is flawless. A pro.
I’m stiff as a board, and I think too much.
But my Boy Wonder is a patron saint.
He leans in close. “You’re doing great!” he says, his lips brushing against my ear, thank you very much.
He twirls me.
He holds me up.
He looks into my eyes.
Yes, I think I could quite possibly just lie down and die.
I am boosted by his confidence. His spirit. The way he doesn’t seem to care what other people think.
And then this miraculous thing happens.
As we dance--
I tilt my head back and soak it in.
The magic, the unfiltered joy.
I finally just--
Let go.”
“We walk onto the makeshift plywood dance floor together, weaving ourselves, our bodies, into the mayhem.
Teague is flawless. A pro.
I’m stiff as a board, and I think too much.
But my Boy Wonder is a patron saint.
He leans in close. “You’re doing great!” he says, his lips brushing against my ear, thank you very much.
He twirls me.
He holds me up.
He looks into my eyes.
Yes, I think I could quite possibly just lie down and die.”
“I’m stark naked, cowering on the edge of Ava’s makeshift arctic-freezing NO-HOT-WATER shower, yelping like a wet puppy.
“You okay in there?” yells Ava, outside the door.
“Umm, yeah, it’s just--”
“A little colder than you’re used too?”
“Ah, yeah,” I say. Freezing is more like it.
“Oh, I’m so sorry Grace.” Ava laughs. “I should have warned you. I guess I’m just so used to it, you know, it’s refreshing to me by now.”
Refreshing?
Refreshing?
I stand outside the icy spray and strategize how I can possibly rinse the shampoo out of my hair without actually freezing to death.
Oh my God, how can you have no hot water and live in ALASKA!”
“good night moon.
The music has slowed, my parka’s still tied around my waist, my sweaty head is nestled on Teague’s strapping shoulder, and I’m wondering what I possibly did in some past life to deserve such bliss, such a bounty of good fortune, when I feel a tap on the top of my head, and open my eyes to see Ava and T smiling at me.
Um, can you say, embarrassing!
I pull away from Teague and turn three shades of red.
Ava winks at me.
“Teague,” she says. “This is Tobias. Tobias, Teague.”
Teague and T shake and nod quietly, manly, the way guys do. “Glad to see you two made it,” says T.
“Yeah.” Teague squeezes my hand. “I had to be rescued.” He smiles, his magnetic dark eyes still dancing with me. “But thanks to Em--”
Em. I like that.
Em,
Em,
Em.
“Hey,” says Ava, “I hate to break it to you two, but--” She smiles sympathetically. “It’s time to go.”
My lower lip pops out in this pleeease type of goggley-eyed pleading that is entirely new to me but apparently not beneath me.
“I know,” says Ava. “But things are going to be ending here soon. And I’d rather you not drive, with people drinking tonight.” She pauses. “I’ll tell you what. Say your good-byes, Tobias is going to drive the truck, and I’m going to take you on the Honda. It’s late, I think that would be--”
Teague squeezes my hand again. “I’ve gotta get going too. It’s late, and--”
He hugs me. Tight. His arms are strong and warm and my face presses into his chest.
I shut my eyes and breathe him in.
I don’t let go first.”
“Emily!” she calls, which makes me laugh, because usually she does not address me in this manner in the comforts of home--
I look over my railing.
Teague.
TEAGUE!
“Hey!” I say, my face exploding with light and love as I slide down the ladder.
“Hey,” he says, smiling back. Without hesitation he wraps his arms around me.
And I melt.
I melt into him.”
“heaven.
“I’m right here.” That’s the first thing he says to me. Followed by, “I’m not going anyplace.” His hand is warm and strong, and when he slips it around mine, I remember to breathe.
“It’s all right,” he says softly. “You’re going to be okay, just--” He pauses and squeezes my hand. “Don’t move.”
I have no intention of moving.
I can’t.
My legs are wrapped around Ava’s bike, a tree branch is wedged in my face, there’s mud up my nose, and--
I think I’m dead.
Other than that, I’m fine.”
“it gets better.
When Mystery Boy lifts the bike off my legs and I roll over onto my back and see his face, well--
He’s note cute--
He’s gorgeous.
Carved like a sculpture, a warrior. His hair is jet-black and shaved close to his head. And his skin is smooth and tan.
He looks about my age. I think.
And, God--I’m so busy staring at my Knight in Shining Armor that for a second I don’t notice that I’m bleeding.
My forehead.
I start to sit up.
“Whoa, Nelly,” he says, smiling down at me with this big toothy grin that actually causes my heart to palpitate. He puts his hand behind my head and eases me back, gently, onto the ground. “Hold your horses,” he says, smiling this gentle quiet smile. “You battled a moose, and--” He moves close and winks. “I think you won.”
“Teague blazes the trail, and I follow close behind at a pretty fast clip.
“Hey,” I call ahead. “Um, is there a particular reason we are going so fast?”
Teague keeps going. I don’t know if he doesn’t hear me or what, but he just glides ahead, ducking under errant branches, hurdling over fallen tree trunks. He is nimble and quick, and in these woods he seems very much at home.
After forty-five minutes of our little game of cat and mouse, I finally catch up to him, already sitting down on a flat rock on the edge of the river, drinking from a canteen.
“It’s about time,” he says, grinning. “I was almost going to give up on you.” He winks.
I crumple onto the rock, right beside him. For the first time, since the other day, we are touching. My shoulder is brushing up against his and there is an electric current running through the air that seems to be hogging all the attention.
Thankfully, Teague speaks before I faint. “Water?” he asks, offering up his canteen.
“Sure, thanks,” I say, taking a swig and catching my breath.
“So.” His eyes widen. “You’re in pretty good shape.”
“Apparently not,” I say sarcastically. “Not good enough.”
“No, you are.” He smiles.
Dimples. Major dimples.”
“Water?” he asks, offering up his canteen.
“Sure, thanks,” I say, taking a swig and catching my breath.
“So.” His eyes widen. “You’re in pretty good shape.”
“Apparently not,” I say sarcastically. “Not good enough.”
“No, you are.” He smiles.
Dimples. Major dimples.”
“So how ’bout you?” he asks.
“Me?”
“Um, yeah.” He grins. “Your name?”
“Oh, my name.” I smile. “Emily,” I say, surprised at how effortlessly it comes out. How easy it is.
“Emily,” repeats Teague.
He reaches out and removes a twig from my hair.
I don’t even flinch.
And you know, for a second, we just stare at each other.
Right there on the side of the road.
There’s this blissful stretched-out pause--
The birds are chirping.
The sun is shining.
It’s like the movies.
“So--” he says. “Where you coming from?”
“Oh, um--” I try to remember what Ava told me to say.
“California,” I blurt out.
It’s clumsy.
“Oh, I meant, where in town--but, you know, that’s cool. California, huh--” He nods and smiles brightly. “I was pretty certain you weren’t from here.”
As he talks, Teague walks over to my bike--Ava’s bike--and pulls it out of the ditch.
“Well, Emily from California--” He unscrews a knob and removes the entire back wheel from the bike.
“You’ve got yourself a flat.”
“It’s about time,” he says, grinning. “I was almost going to give up on you.” He winks.
I crumple onto the rock, right beside him. For the first time, since the other day, we are touching. My shoulder is brushing up against his and there is an electric current running through the air that seems to be hogging all the attention.
Thankfully, Teague speaks before I faint. “Water?” he asks, offering up his canteen.
“Sure, thanks,” I say, taking a swig and catching my breath.
“So.” His eyes widen. “You’re in pretty good shape.”
“Apparently not,” I say sarcastically. “Not good enough.”
“No, you are.” He smiles.
Dimples. Major dimples.
“It’s true. Really.” He nods as he speaks. “I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who can keep up with me like that.”
“Yeah, well.” I smile back, but instead of taking the compliment like my mom always says I really need to learn to do, I brush it off with a lame attempt at humor.
“It was a matter of survival,” I say. “I just didn’t want to get abandoned in the woods.”
Teague stands and thoughtfully extends his hand to pull me up. His hand is warm and muscular, and we both hold on a second longer than we have to.
“Thanks,” I say, letting go first.
“Hey, you know I would never leave you out here by yourself,” he says. “I mean, just know that, okay?”
“Oh, I was just joking,” I tell him.
“Yeah, I know, but still--” He gets kind of serious. “These woods, they’re fun but they can be dangerous. It’s kind of an unwritten rule to either tell someone where you’re going, or make sure when you do go out, you go with someone else.”
“Okay.” I shrug, touched by his concern for my personal welfare.
“Emily,” he says. “Be careful, okay? This isn’t California.”
“O-kaaaay,” I say, smiling. “I promise.”
“Good,” says Teague.”
“We hug for forever.
The longest hug of my life.
I don’t even care that Ava and T are looking on from the couch. I just like, collapse into his arms.
“There’s a rumor going around,” he whispers.
My heart sinks.
I let go.
I look into his eyes.
“There is?”
“Yeah, I talked to Fisher, and she said--”
Oh! Fisher! Phew!
“You’re heading out.” Teague looks sad.
I look sad.
I am sad.
Teague looks at Ava and back at me.
“If it’s okay with Ava--” He pauses and loops his fingers around mine. “I would love the pleasure of your company for one last night.”
We both turn toward Ava like two love-starved teenagers.
Wait, we are love-starved teenagers!
“Ava?” I ask in my sweetest pretty-please voice.
She rolls her eyes and rests her head on T’s shoulder.
“Do you think I’m the Grinch who stole Christmas? Of course you can go!”
“I can?”
“You can,” she says, amused by my excitement.
There is a lot of love in this room.
A lot of love.
Teague’s not done.
“Um.” He looks at Ava. “If Emily would like to, and it’s okay with you--” He squeezes my hand. “I was thinking we could stay out at my cabin.”
My eyes pop out of my head.
My jaw drops.
My eyebrows arch.
“Say what!” T looks up from his book.
But Ava turns to him and says something in his ear. Then, in what can only be explained as a true Christmas miracle, she looks back at me.
“Okay,” she says, gleaming back at us.
“It’s okay with me.”
“Emily,” he says. “Be careful, okay? This isn’t California.”
“O-kaaaay,” I say, smiling. “I promise.”
“Good,” says Teague. Then he takes off, springing like a leapfrog from rock to rock until he’s standing in the middle of the river, where he pauses momentarily on top of a large boulder and cups his hands over his mouth. “Come on!” he shouts back.
Now, normally--
Normally I would think twice about this bold little acrobatic adventure. Normally a thousand reasons why I should err on the side of caution would flood my mind--
Do not break your wrist.
Do not get your clothes wet.
Do not fall desperately in love when you know you’ll be leaving!
But ever since I’ve been in Alaska, I’m surprising myself. And this time--
This time is no exception.”
“Teague hands me his helmet.
“You’d better wear this,” he says, straddling his bike.
I sit on the very back edge of the warm leather seat and strap the helmet on tight. And you know, I try, really I do, to not, like, scrunch up against the back of his sweater.
I swear.
But it’s impossible, and I use every muscle in my stomach to not melt onto him.
He turns around.
“You ever ridden one of these?”
I shake my head.
“Okay, well, just, you know--” He takes my hands and wraps them around his waist.
I think I might die.
“Hold on tight,” he says. “And lean with me into the turns, don’t fight it, okay?”
“Okay,” I say, finally letting go, letting my body graze against his.
The engine roars to life.
“Hold on tight,” yells Teague.
Um, not a problem. I think, and smile.
“Ready?” he yells.
“Ready,” I yell back, but we’re already rocketing down the road.”
“Teague looks at Ava and back at me.
“If it’s okay with Ava--” He pauses and loops his fingers around mine. “I would love the pleasure of your company for one last night.”
We both turn toward Ava like two love-starved teenagers.
Wait, we are love-starved teenagers!”
“three minutes later.
“That’s it!” yells Teague. “You’re almost there. Nice!”
I straddle my feet from rock to rock until, by some major miracle, I reach the other side (wrist unbroken, clothes dry, major feelings of affection).”
“Do you think I’m the Grinch who stole Christmas? Of course you can go!”
“I can?”
“You can,” she says, amused by my excitement.
There is a lot of love in this room.
A lot of love.
Teague’s not done.
“Um.” He looks at Ava. “If Emily would like to, and it’s okay with you--” He squeezes my hand. “I was thinking we could stay out at my cabin.”
My eyes pop out of my head.
My jaw drops.
My eyebrows arch.
“Say what!” T looks up from his book.”
“winter wonderland
We snowshoe to the river. Take gorgeous and times it by ten. The trees in the forest are heavy, their limbs sagging, the brilliant white snow glimmering by the reflection of the moon. I think I’m walking in a dream.
What I didn’t know is how close Ava’s cabin is to the dollhouse. There is a shortcut up the back of the hill, along the side ridge of trees. And before I know it, Teague and I are on the shore of the rumbling, spitting, ice-cold, mostly frozen river.
My heart is shivering. “Please tell me we don’t have to cross this thing.”
Teague smiles. “You’ll see.”
We snowshoe a ways up the shore of the river, until he stops, takes off his pack, and sets it down on the ice.
“We could possibly get across by foot,” he tells me as he effortlessly climbs up a tree. “But this is more fun.”
He pulls down a handle attached to a pulley thingamajig, and I suddenly realize we are going to be flying across the river, like circus performers on a trapeze.
I’m going first.
Teague straps me in, attaching the pulley to a cable suspended across the water.
He checks and rechecks all the cords, making sure they are snug. “You’re set!” he says, smiling at me.
I shimmy up the tree and, holding the trapeze bar tight, leap out over the crackling glacial ice.
On the other side I scream with exhilaration.
My voice echoes across the forest, waking, I’m sure, every moose within miles. I can’t stop smiling as I unhook myself and hurl the bar as hard as I can back over the wire toward Teague. He makes fast work, joining me in a matter of minutes. He is quiet in his confidence. His hands are warm, and I hold one as the two of us walk together up the snow-covered steps to the dollhouse cabin.”
“Dwell on the beauty of life.
Watch the stars, and see yourself
running with them."
-Marcus Aurelius”
“So what’s next?” I say, wanting more.
Teague looks up the river, and then back at me.
“I want to show you something,” he tells me.
“What do you want to show me?” I say, surprising even myself at how hopelessly flirty I sound.
“You’ll see,” he says. “But you have to promise me something.”
I tilt my head and twinkle my eyes. “You sure are making me promise a lot!”
Teague grins. “No, honestly, promise you won’t show anyone. It’s like--”
He pauses.
“Top secret?”
“Right.” He smiles. “Top secret.”
Do you want to seal this little agreement with a kiss?
No-o-o-o-o-o.
I think it through. I think it, and nod. Yes. And I follow him. I follow him along the rocks beside the river, until he stops in his tracks and turns to me with his finger over his lips.
“Shhh.” He motions and nods up into the canopy of trees we are standing under.
I look up.
“What?” I whisper.
Teague ducks behind me, right behind me--so close I can feel his breath on my neck.
I am shivering, and it’s not because I’m cold.”
“kiss.
Yes.
The second we arrive safe and sound inside the cute little cabin.
Teague Denali takes me, willingly, in his arms.
He doesn’t make a big production of it. He doesn’t give me time to be nervous.
He just looks into my eyes.
“Emily,” he says.
“Teague.” I giggle nervously.
His lips are soft and easy, and when they meet mine I somehow know what to do.”
“See it?” he whispers.
I squint up into the tree and try to concentrate on whatever it is I am supposed to see and not on Teague’s soothing voice and that fact that I’m melting.
“Um,” I say softly, “what am I loo--”
But before I get the words out, I see it.
An eagle.
It’s massive, with a white head and white tail feathers and bright yellow feet, like you see in pictures.
“It’s a bald eagle,” he whispers. “They like to wait here by the river and feast on salmon carcasses.”
“Salmon carcasses?” I whisper.
“Yeah,” he says. “After the salmon spawn, they die.”
“They just die?” I sigh.
“Yeah,” breathes Teague.
Goose bumps.
“There will be a lot more up here soon,” he says softly. “They come in droves, hundreds of them in November, when food is scarce.”
“Oh,” I say, and stand openmouthed as the bird launches off its perch and soars. Its wingspan must be at least three feet on either side. I feel like I’m in a National Geographic special.
“Did you know they mate for life?” says Teague, still whispering.
“No, I didn’t,” I say, half listening and half noting that Teague seems to be a genius.”
“People will love you or hate you for being different, but who’s to say which way it’ll go? You never know. It’s completely arbitrary.”
“God is silent. The devil whispers…”
“...once you've crawled into what's commonly thought of as the sordid underbelly of life, you realize it's all just different versions of normal.”
“Because the thought that we weren’t happy at least for some time during our lives is unbearable. Adults”
“Riley: “I grind so fine, I’m practically coffee,” he says with a straight face, then busts out a grin.”
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